Rape:  Why men DO IT, and do they have REMORSE?
by Dedra Muhammad
Husband rapes wife
Are you the victim/perpetrator of abuse?
Characteristics of a Rapist
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READ ALL THE WAY BELOW FOR DAILY TIPS)
Is it true that all rapists are visibly identifiable?  I don't think so, but they all have certain visible tendencies.  How does a lady know that the man she brings home for a date would not harm her daughter?  And when is it the daughter's "fault", and not the new boyfriend's "fault?" Unfortunately, many women are so vulnerable, loving and trusting (also so lonely) that we miss the clues and characteristics of rapists and molesters.  Also, our sometime over-inflated egos tend to blind us to certain social ques that could suggest the need to be especially watchful.  For instance, it is hard to imagine that the sweet talking slickster would have his eye on our pocketbook, daughter, or just a plain "good time" when we are searching for a long and enduring relationship.

Below is the tip of the day to keep the rapist at bay:


Friday's Tip:
*  Be weary of any man who tries to send you on errands while he stays in your house with your child---even if the errand will only take 5 minutes.

Saturday's Tip
*   Many
perpetrators do not pre-meditate on their indecent acts...they actually believe that the girl will enjoy it and won't say no.  And THEN, anger, embarrassment, resentment, and selfishness takes over (not necessarily in that order) and thus the perpetrator arrives at "the point of no return."  Keep in mind that on this site our main focus is the acquaintance or family rape, as opposed to the viscious stranger rape.  Anyway, because of the above, it is essential to take into account PREVENTIVE MEASURES.

Sunday's Tip:
When molestation occurs inside of families, it is the least reported.  Many boyfriends, fathers, uncles, friends of the fmily are able to get away with raping their victims for years with no familial intervention.  And usually, someone knows or suspects it, but for family political reasons chooses to keep silent.  Again, to avoid this, practice preventive measures.  Children should not be left unsupervised or in the care of men and boys who are older and more "street wise" than they.  Mothers should consider not working during afternoon and night hours at the expense of their child's chastity. 

Monday's Tip:   When a man rapes a woman, he gets an immediate sense of satisfaction that he does not get from a normal intercourse.  It's almost like a crack-cocaine high.  Seriously!  And then it wears off until he meets his next victim or until he rapes her again. In the meantime, he survives off of the lust of his memories. Repeat sex offenders have a low sense of self-accusing spirit, and are unable to feel remorse for his act, and the high of it rules him.  For prevention, pay close attention to the man who comes around and small ignoble acts he does has no moral effect on him.  In the book Making Mary, the rapist in Chapter 15 has no remorse and his first rape unquestionably is just that...his FIRST.

Read below for more TIPS.....................
"He raped me!"
Take a ride to the North Star and see how easy it is for sexual abuse to creep into a relationship where the man and woman supposedly love one another.
Women Issues:

What are the characteristics of a rapist?  Is it true that many people fantasize about raping or being raped?  What would cause a woman to fantasize about being raped?  Why do so many feel that women secretly enjoy the prospect of being raped, and that in many instances, they "like" it, especially if she doesn't get beat too badly.  And why do many women decide not to report it, and to even turn a blind eye when it happens in their own families?  What is the difference in the characteristics of rapists between stranger rape, date rape, and family rape?  And how does the perpetrator "feel" after he commits the act?  Why does he do it over and over?
     No one wants to talk about rape, especially in terms of prevention.  Rape can be considered one of the highest forms of emotional abuse, although it has a catergory all to herself (or his self).  So many of us stick our heads under the sand with our bottoms exposed--refusing to accept that "it could happen to me" ...and once a sexual predator overtakes his victim, there is no turning back and it cannot be un-done.  If the perpetrator is convicted, the irreversible damage still has been done. And at trials, prosecuters light into the victims as though they are the guilty ones.  In fact, many rapes don't even get to trial because the victim refuses to re-live the horrors of his or her tradegy while being made to feel cheap and dirty.  Thus, we'd rather say or hear, "I was raped," years later when it is safe to admit that we were violated and then leave it at that.  But, what happens emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically to a person who undergoes such an assault, and what about the perpetrators? 

There are many kinds of victims as well as perpetrators.  For the purposes of this paper, the author is speaking mainly to those who are victims and perpetrators of family type crimes or date rape incidences as opposed to strangers who may also be stranglers and murderers--notwithstanding rape is a kind of murder.  In dealing with prevention, though, it becomes more tricky to guard against one's father or uncle, or even a man one is dating.
Sure, we can generalize it and describe the
characteristics of a rapist, but those generalizations and characteristics don't always fit, nor do they reduce the chances of one getting raped or of one committing the act simply because certain characteristics are known.  Even if boys are taught at a young age that they should respect women, we live in a morally bankrupt society and most of the perpetrators DO know right from wrong, yet knowing does not stop them.  No...it's deeper than that.  Rape is such a gruesome crime because healing can never be complete once one is raped---one can only take steps in the direction of closure.  Picture a perfectly baked caked, and then a rat tears into it from the middle and guts it out.  the cake was already baked, and one cannot go back and add eggs or other things of sustenance that were ripped away--one can only place patches over the holes.  So rape has to be done away with and understood because the usual victims are women--women who give birth and nurture children who could have grown to become world leaders.

It may appear that society (and even the author) is hard on women, but when you read Making Mary, you'll see that is not the case AT ALL.  Here, I am merely trying to point women and girls in the right direction as a measure of prevention.
Rape (against men or women) is gruesome, and the perpetrators should not be excused because he or she was "led on" as I often hear.  The
Honorable Elijah Muhammad said that 75% of the work is with the female.  Let's look at this in terms of how a woman can protect herself and her children from such crimes: 
Women have to face that their very own boyfriends have in mind to rape their daughters, and it is ignorant to get angry at the
daughter when the boyfriend seduces or rapes her.  We must not place our daughters in vulnerable situations, especially when they are taught and ruled by the television, where girls are half-naked and where foreplay is shown in different aspects on most channels right at prime time, and even on the Disney channel.

Women have to face the fact that no, they should
not get into a limo with a celebrity at 2:00 a.m. and then enter his hotel room. Women should not "neck" with a man and then expect him to stop when her bra is half-way off, and her pants are done to her knees.  sure he should stop when asked, but what if he is out-of control?  How does one really know what another will do when that person is led by the flesh? 

It doesn't matter what church home the boy belongs to, or whether or not he's from a decent family---what matters is the position in which we place ourselves and others.  If someone is hungry but is not supposed to eat until dinner time, why would you put a thick piece of Salmon cooked until tender with lemon slices soak through up under the hungry man's nose, and then charge him with disorderly conduct because he snatches a bite?  Girls, keep the Salmon out of his nose and you would have done your part. 

Nonetheless, because we all have needs, women act as
temptresses--and we take from men all that we want sometimes, and then we decide when it is over. Mothers have to steer their daughters away from such indecent behavior.  Of course if the girl is so unwise, this does not give any man the excuse to rape, and rape in some Islamic communities is punishable by death.  Still, women need work because we consistently place ourselves in such vulnerable postions.  A woman should not disrobe in front of a man and walk down America's streets half-clad and teach her daughters to do the same thing becasue a man will then see her as a piece of flesh that he so desires to devour.  And once the rape is committed, there is no going back--it stays with the woman forever.

The book Making Mary is just as important for men as women.  Making Mary shows the thought processes one may have before committing the crime. 

And thought processing is extremely important because we know that in most instances, rape indeed is a crime of anger and passion versus strict lust.  The author ventures to take the Rational/Behavioral Emotive Therapy base a step further:  The thought processes that the perpetrators undergo does not start when they meet the victim--the processing is a way of life and can be identified in other aspects of the perpetrator's life.  Notwithstanding, many victims seem to have a paralleling set of identifiers which make them fall prey to not simply oe incident of abuse, but a pattern of accepting abuse over a length of time.  Haven't you ever heard the expression "Water seeks its own level?"  Oftentimes, something has happened in the victim's life that plays a major role in the deterioration of high self-esteem.  And whether the tragic episode(s) are identified or not makes little difference in the case of preventing abuse.  For example, it is not enough to "know you were molested" as a small boy or girl.  It is not enough to be able to intellectualize the circumstances and even to become a doctor in a helping profession.

In Making Mary,
the person who was raped was placed in a vulnerable position by someone she loved and trusted.  However, she didn't have the knowledge to recognize what was about to take place because in her situation, the rape could have been avoided, despite the fact that she was placed in such a seemingly trapworthy situation.

Making Mary is suggested for all rape victims, and to the perpetrators of rape.  Do you want to understand a little more about why this happens?
Counselor Dedra Muhammad reveals the a-b-c's of rape in the chapter entitled "Making Mary" and in other places throughout the book.  There are so many things that lead up to the "rape" chapter, which, it should be no surprise about what happens in Chapter 15, yet, the readers I talked to for whatever reason "didn't see it coming" except that when they think back on all the signs, it became clear after the fact.

Do you know someone who needs to talk about it?  Send an email to
dedra@makingmary.com




Tuesday's Tip:
We all have pleasure and pain centers in our brains--and this is why people can get addicted to drugs, even prescription drugs that hit the pleasure centers in a special way.  We also have natural stimulators that, when not suppressed can allow us to achieve a high sense of satisfaction.  Yet, when we are not eating properly, not in tune with our spirituality, overwhelmed with external stimuli, we lose the immediate power to access whatever we need from within to "deal with" life's pressures.  Rape is one way men compensate from this loss of inner strength and ability.  For prevention, you must be like a psychologist...who are those people hanging around your family who have poor coping skills?  Who are those people who use aggression and the "easy way out" to handle what should be simple tasks? 

Wednesday's Tip:
Many women who have been abused or who have witnessed some fort of abuse when they were young fantasize about being in an abusive relationship because they rationalize that the abusive male shows great love intensity.  They further fantasize about getting raped by someone they know or a stranger who just "has to have them."  They fantasize of dramatically resisting, but the "knight" overpowers them and has "his way."  When it is over, these women imagine that the rapist is very caring and concerned over whether or not they hurt their prey.  This being the case, many women make themselves more susceptible of entering into a rape crisis situation as they subconsciously invite the rapist into their lives.  They inadvertantly seek the man with characteristics of a rapist.

Thursday's Tip:
The main way to spot a potential abuser is the level of control he or she assumes and right at the beginning of the relationship.  Even in "stranger rape," the positioning of control is immediate. Rapist feel powerless and weak, yet they of course do not wish to feel this way so they must compensate at every turn.  Be weary of the overly "macho" man because what he has to prove may cost you your life.